I used to be the most anxious person anybody knew. I manifested this in at least two long relationships through worried hands… the guy would tell me either “I can hear your hands” as I would wring my hands or “Leave the paper alone” as I would rub my finger and thumb together until, figuratively, the paper would ball up and go away.
In a conversation today, I described myself that way — I’m the most anxious person you know — and the listener was shocked. First because she would never have described me that way and second because I’ve not described myself that way in over two years of at least weekly conversations with this person.
But, these days I am anxious. All the time. When I walk up in the morning, when I’m walking around during the day, when I wake up in the middle of the night – I’m anxious. Being anxious is like pay it forward worrying, right? It’s anticipating there will be badness. Or being afraid there will be badness.
Here’s the discovery. I would not have said I was anxious 6 weeks ago. But 5 weeks ago I started a medically supervised, very low calorie diet and now I’m anxious (and have been for weeks, although I couldn’t name the odd feeling until today). Maybe I’m an anxious eater. Maybe I eat to soothe the anxiety? And so without food to soothe I can feel the anxiety again.
Arrugh. We’ll have to see.
On a positive note. Today I swam 16 laps – 2400 feet. 2600 feet is 1/2 mile. I am getting better. What’s amazing to me is that the last laps are easier than the first laps. (There is a lot more resting in between the last laps as compared to none between the first laps.) But why are the first laps so hard?
And I lifted weights and had my feet worked on.